A Game of Fangs, Fur And Bottled Blood

M, F, K: True Blood Edition


Vampire? Were-something? Witch? Human? There's plenty to choose from in the small towns of Bon Temps and Shreveport, Louisiana. 

Given the opportunity, who would you Marry, Fuck and Kill on HBO's show True Blood?

Pick three characters and do whatever you please to each of them. 

Anyone is fair game. Dive in!

M. Eric — he's the only reason I watch that godforsaken show.

F. Alcide — assuming Anne will share.

K. Bill — hmmmm, I've a feeling we'll all have the same answer for this one.

M. Sam. Because yes I've always wanted little babies and I just love Sam in my fan club of one, plus he is hot, hot, hot.

F. Eric. There is no one else in this category for me. He is just delicious and I want to get down and dirty with him multiple times.

K. Is there any doubt? Bill. Bill and Bill. I've wanted him dead for a long, long time. Is this view colored by the show True Blood. Very likely, but I want to drive a stake through his heart.

M. Alcide. Obviously.

Don't cry TB Sookie. At least we love you in the
books.  Not that the two of you have something
(anything at all aside from the name) in common.
F. Eric. Why you ask? Episode 1, Season 3, the track pants and open robe outfit. That's why. ;) If I get to pick two, #2 Fuck would be Jason!

K. Sookie! She's so stupid and irritating and not at all like Book Sookie. I almost said Bill, but I am actually interested to see where they are going with the Billith story line.

Guest Wench, Leif:
M. Eric, because he's delicious, ruthless, protective, smart, funny and he owns it. Alpha.

F. Pam, because she's PAM. *swoon*

K. Beehl, because all he does is whine about immortality. If you hate it so much, meet the sun already. Snore.

M. Eric. Because he's Eric.

F. Alcide. Look at him. Enough said.

K. Bill. Bill. Oh, Bill. I wanted you dead in the books, and I'd see you dead on the show. You can't be trusted.

M. This one is tough. All the male characters on this show are either dead and can't have children (Eric), dumb (Jason), gay (Newlin, Lafayette, Russell) or just don't do it for me (Sam, Alcide). I'll have to stick with the female characters even though it means there will be no children. My dear Queen Sophie-Anne, of course!

F. Easy and hard at the same time. Easy because there are a lot of characters I'd like to F (Pam, Jason, Sam to name a few), and tough because I have to choose only one. But it's Eric. Obviously!

K. Bill Compton. I don't like the book one, but True Blood Bill needs a stake through his heart. Or a few minutes in the sun. Or some silver poisoning (and no cure this time, please!).

M. Okay, wait. I changed my mind at the last minute. I'll marry Pam. At the moment, she seems to be a little more grounded than Eric. She's got good business sense. She's loyal. She's funny as hell. So, yeah, I'd spend the rest of my life with Pam.

F. That leaves Eric open for the Fuck category.

K. Bill. No question. Nobody deserves to die more than Bill.

M. Eric
F. Pam
K. Bill

M. Eric. Yum.

F. Sam. I am not an Alcide fan. He seems dumb as a box of rocks, which is an insurmountable turnoff for me. Unfortunately, this is also true of the beautiful Jason. Sam seems like a true blue friend, and he looks pretty good to me! Then again, if I were feeling brave enough to handle her, Pam is a fabulous character!

K. Get in line. Bill can stand at the head of it. So can the writers of the show. And Sookie, you'd better grow a backbone and some common sense or you'll end up here too.

M. Eric
F. Sam
K. Bill

Guest Wench, Barbara:
M. Alcide

F. Bill and Eric

K. All the Authority, from all the seasons.

Guest Wench, Jane:
M. Eric Motherfuckin' Northman (Duh.)

F. Pam.... gay, straight or bi, you know that woman is a tiger in the sack!

K. It's a tie between Bill and Sookie. They are both so screamingly awful. But if I had to choose... BILL MUST DIE.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's sum it up.


58% of us think Eric Northman would make a good husband, while 42% would have to fight for a place in his bed. Easy ladies, there's a warm (more like room-temperature) spot and a piece of the Viking for everyone. 


8% of us would choose to marry  and another 25% to fuck  Pam Swynford De Beaufort. 


Alcide Herveaux, 18% would happily  marry you, while 17% would like to fuck you given the opportunity and a flat surface.


Sam Merlotte is one of True Blood characters 8% of us would love to M and, 16% of us to F.

We are terribly sorry (not!), Mr. Compton, but there will be no HEA for you as far as we're concerned. 84% of us would drive a stake through your heart without thinking twice about it. 

Tell us who would you marry, fuck and kill on
True Blood and then 


  1. OMG *tears* Bravo, Olga, Bravo! I looove your choice of Queen Sophie-Anne! Had I thought of her, she would've give Alcide a run for F, for me.

    I loved the summary at the end! The pics are awesome. My fave is probably the Kill Bill pic. Hysterical that we all still hate Bill.

    1. The hatred for Bill just grows each season…. Not quite everyone hates Bill, though. We have our resident guest Wench who loves Bill! And who is so polite that we forget she loves Bill! But she also loves Eric and even participates in our incessant adoration of Eric, and of other characters in other series, so we like to keep her around! ;-)

    2. Of course, I could never forget Ba, my favorite Bill Lover. :-)

  2. LMAO, what a fun post, Olga! And very professional with the quantitative analysis. You've hilariously captured our disillusionment with a show we once had high hopes for and what it has done to the book characters we love. We should do one of these MFK posts for the Southern Vampire Mysteries. I bet our answers would be different. Many interesting choices in the books to F and K, but M will always be Eric for me.

  3. I love this Olga! And, of course I'll share Alcide. But, only with you lovely Wenches. :)

  4. Great job! I love the last gif!

    Olga, some of my absolute favorites on the show are also the gayest: Newlin, Russell, and Lala. And...I can't believe I forgot about Queen Sophie-Anne!

  5. I don't even watch this show anymore so I'm not sure I should comment but based on past seasons of it that I did watch, my answers would defo be marry Eric, fuck Pam, and kill Bill.

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the analysis of the answers by percentages, Olga! Great touch!

    1. Lisa, half (or even more)of the girls who shared their choices don't watch the show anymore. I, for instance chose QSA to marry, and she's been dead for quite a while. But I said anyone was fair game. :)

  6. Thank you, ladies!
    I'm so happy you all forgot about QSA! This way I don't have to battle you for a piece of her, all for me alone!

  7. So very entertaining!
    I didn't choose this time,the only thing I wanted was to kill Bill.

  8. Olga, wonderful post. Great fun to read. Kill Bill is a very, very common theme.LOL I make 8% for wanting to marry Sam. Yay.


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