Review : Dead Ever After

Collage by Olga Daniels

Attention Dear Readers:

The following items will be required for your survival kit when you try to read Dead Ever After by Charlaine Harris.

• Box of wine
• Chocolate (preferably dark, as I'm thinking of your health)
• Spirits: Vodka / Bourbon / Gin / Bailey's Irish Cream (really, whatever your poison is)
• Book Club Support Group
• BFFs or BBFs
• Brain bleach
• Box of tissues
• Second box of wine

Check after the jump for instructions on actually reading Dead Ever After. By the way, if you prefer not to consume alcohol, simply replace all references to it, wherever they appear, with "chocolate". Note there are spoilers, because really that horse bolted weeks ago.

Once I Was Hopeful...Then the Bottom Fell Out...So Bottoms Up!

I was the optimistic Wench in the group. I avoided the spoilers that were leaked early. Positive that the murmurings I heard couldn't possibly be right. I thought that after twelve books, Charlaine Harris would do justice to the characters she had created. If some of the rumours were correct, surely she would make me understand why the book progressed as it did. Little did I know how wrong I was. The only way I could think of to review this book was by turning it into a drinking game. So get your survival kit assembled, and we'll dive in and try to make sense of this clusterfuck.

Get Ready

• Compulsory Drink Required!

Get Set

• Carefully open book to chapter 1.

Go

• When a character acts OTT (over the top), take a drink of wine. This specifically applies to Eric and Pam. Was another author writing these characters? The way they acted throughout the book did not read like the Pam and Eric I've grown to love. Where was snarky Pam hiding? Under a rock?

• Whenever Pam has a scene in the book, have a shot of vodka. They are so few and far between, you might begin to wonder if she was ever a part of the series. I don't know how she could be treated in such a fashion! This beloved character is sidelined for a plot that makes no sense, is boring, and eventually had me snoring over the pages of the book.
• When each and every man, woman, and dog from a previous book first shows up, drink more wine. This might get you drunk, because every conceivable character who has appeared anywhere in the last twelve books makes an outing, with the exception of Bubba. Where is Bubba???? Oh, that's right, he is off doing something interesting, because The King knew he didn't want to be a part of this catastrophe!!!!!

• Every time Sookie thinks an inappropriate thought about an ex-lover, take a shot of Bailey's. There is nothing that makes this okay. You might need two shots: it is never acceptable to want to sleep with Bill after the trunk scene. Sorry Bill lovers, but that relationship was over a long time ago. What the hell was up with kissing him on the lips? Was this platonic? Make sure your brain bleach is handy.

• When there is a third-person POV disrupting the flow of the novel, have some more wine. Huddle down with your Book Club friends and question why you are reading this book in the first place. If we are going to have the third person, couldn't it be someone interesting, like Jason, or Pam, or Eric, or anyone who actually lives and frequents Bon Temps??? Hell, I would even take a Hoyt point of view.
• Every time you actually laugh out loud, have a shot of gin. I personally doubt that you'll get to indulge during this part of the drinking game, as the humour, an ingredient that made previous books highly entertaining, was sadly lacking―no, died―in this book. I guarantee not a drop of liquor will pass your lips unless you are laughing in despair.
• Every time you query whether this book was written by someone other than Charlaine Harris, take a drink of wine. At this point, your vision is probably starting to blur.
• Every mention of Sookie's bountiful garden requires a drink of your wine. The word tomato is a compulsory drink.
• When you get to the sex scene: ensure that you have your brain bleach handy if you can still think clearly. Nothing makes this scene okay on any level. You might need to scrub your eyes as well.

• If you are a Sam lover (I am one of the five members of this group. Cardholder and membership sticker approved!), and even *you* are rocking in a corner, baffled by the plot direction, take a shot of bourbon. Even though you hate bourbon and splatter it all over yourself trying to choke it down.
  
  The fact that I love Sam in no way means that I wanted him to end up with a certain Sookie Stackhouse. You might have thought I was dancing around the room when the brain bleach episode occurred. Ahhhh, no!!!! I wanted Sam to meet some nice shifter girl, not a psycho. Did I just label Sookie a psycho? She has certainly killed a few people. The wine is really starting to go to my head.
  
  I never in a million years saw Sam ending up with Sookie. Sure, he was always a suitor. I can admit that in a lucid moment. He was always hanging around with those puppy dog eyes, but nothing in the course of twelve books indicated to me that this was how it was going to go down at the end. Nor did I believe the only way to get to that ending was via character assassination. Pass me some more bourbon and tissues. RIP Sam. We had a great few years.
• When you realise halfway through the book that your desired HEA has been trampled into the dirt and you have been kicked in the guts, do the following, in order: Use your box of tissues, eat your dark chocolate, and start guzzling the Bailey's directly from the bottle.
  
  Let's give up all pretense of staying even remotely coherent. It's never going to happen. You realise that the last few books were simply fillers that had little bearing on the final installment. And in that case, the HEA you wanted doesn't make any sense and you should have seen the real HEA all along. And this perfectly illustrates why this book makes no freakin' sense, because you would have thought there would have been some kind of hint of a love triangle over the course of a few books. Sorry, if I missed that memo. Yum, that Bailey's tastes delicious.



• For those who made it to the end of the book: Congratulations. You deserve a medal. It is a pity you are now unable to move due to an alcohol stupor. Now finish the bottle of Bailey's. For those who didn't finish the book or pick it up, I commend your wisdom. You won't have a hangover―physical, mental, or emotional.

Mopping Up

As you lie in a drunken stupor on the floor hugging the toilet bowl, with your BFF holding your hair away from your face, consider the years you have invested in the series. Massage your sore tummy and pretend you can erase Dead Ever After from your brain as your heart breaks. Once you recover from your hangover, please consider burning your books. Paper makes a good starter fuel for winter fires. Alternatively, return all books to the publisher and start searching the Internet for fan fiction that brings your years of dedication to a meaningful conclusion.

Please note that I have restrained my commentary and not gone into much depth. My fellow Wenches want their turns, and will have more to say on this subject in the coming days. To Sookieverseblog, thank you for introducing me to these wonderful women and others in the fandom. I thought we would be celebrating our ship together now, not watching it explode into a million pieces and sink into the darkest depths. 

My dreams of a satisfactory conclusion to the series were not to be. The most unrecognisable person in this whole farce was Sookie Stackhouse herself. She was a fragment of the Sookie I had grown to love. And that, my friends, is the biggest tragedy of all.

This Wench rated it:

So let me know below... what events made you want to grab the bottle or find your nearest supplier of brain bleach? If you're still having trouble sleeping, a hypnotist might be advised to eradicate events from your mind.

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