Review : Dead Ever After

Collage by Olga Daniels

Attention Dear Readers:

The following items will be required for your survival kit when you try to read Dead Ever After by Charlaine Harris.
  • Box of wine
  • Chocolate (preferably dark, as I'm thinking of your health)
  • Spirits: Vodka / Bourbon / Gin / Bailey's Irish Cream (really, whatever your poison is)
  • Book Club Support Group
  • BFFs or BBFs
  • Brain bleach
  • Box of tissues
  • Second box of wine
Check after the jump for instructions on actually reading Dead Ever After. By the way, if you prefer not to consume alcohol, simply replace all references to it, wherever they appear, with "chocolate". Note there are spoilers, because really that horse bolted weeks ago.


Once I Was Hopeful...Then the Bottom Fell Out...So Bottoms Up!

I was the optimistic Wench in the group. I avoided the spoilers that were leaked early. Positive that the murmurings I heard couldn't possibly be right. I thought that after twelve books, Charlaine Harris would do justice to the characters she had created. If some of the rumours were correct, surely she would make me understand why the book progressed as it did. Little did I know how wrong I was. The only way I could think of to review this book was by turning it into a drinking game. So get your survival kit assembled, and we'll dive in and try to make sense of this clusterfuck.

Get Ready

  • Compulsory Drink Required!

Get Set

  • Carefully open book to chapter 1.

Go

  • When a character acts OTT (over the top), take a drink of wine. This specifically applies to Eric and Pam. Was another author writing these characters? The way they acted throughout the book did not read like the Pam and Eric I've grown to love. Where was snarky Pam hiding? Under a rock?
  • Whenever Pam has a scene in the book, have a shot of vodka. They are so few and far between, you might begin to wonder if she was ever a part of the series. I don't know how she could be treated in such a fashion! This beloved character is sidelined for a plot that makes no sense, is boring, and eventually had me snoring over the pages of the book.
  • When each and every man, woman, and dog from a previous book first shows up, drink more wine. This might get you drunk, because every conceivable character who has appeared anywhere in the last twelve books makes an outing, with the exception of Bubba. Where is Bubba???? Oh, that's right, he is off doing something interesting, because The King knew he didn't want to be a part of this catastrophe!!!!!

  • Every time Sookie thinks an inappropriate thought about an ex-lover, take a shot of Bailey's. There is nothing that makes this okay. You might need two shots: it is never acceptable to want to sleep with Bill after the trunk scene. Sorry Bill lovers, but that relationship was over a long time ago. What the hell was up with kissing him on the lips? Was this platonic? Make sure your brain bleach is handy.

  • When there is a third-person POV disrupting the flow of the novel, have some more wine. Huddle down with your Book Club friends and question why you are reading this book in the first place. If we are going to have the third person, couldn't it be someone interesting, like Jason, or Pam, or Eric, or anyone who actually lives and frequents Bon Temps??? Hell, I would even take a Hoyt point of view.
  • Every time you actually laugh out loud, have a shot of gin. I personally doubt that you'll get to indulge during this part of the drinking game, as the humour, an ingredient that made previous books highly entertaining, was sadly lacking―no, died―in this book. I guarantee not a drop of liquor will pass your lips unless you are laughing in despair.
  • Every time you query whether this book was written by someone other than Charlaine Harris, take a drink of wine. At this point, your vision is probably starting to blur.
  • Every mention of Sookie's bountiful garden requires a drink of your wine. The word tomato is a compulsory drink.
  • When you get to the sex scene: ensure that you have your brain bleach handy if you can still think clearly. Nothing makes this scene okay on any level. You might need to scrub your eyes as well.
  • If you are a Sam lover (I am one of the five members of this group. Cardholder and membership sticker approved!), and even *you* are rocking in a corner, baffled by the plot direction, take a shot of bourbon. Even though you hate bourbon and splatter it all over yourself trying to choke it down.

    The fact that I love Sam in no way means that I wanted him to end up with a certain Sookie Stackhouse. You might have thought I was dancing around the room when the brain bleach episode occurred. Ahhhh, no!!!! I wanted Sam to meet some nice shifter girl, not a psycho. Did I just label Sookie a psycho? She has certainly killed a few people. The wine is really starting to go to my head.

    I never in a million years saw Sam ending up with Sookie. Sure, he was always a suitor. I can admit that in a lucid moment. He was always hanging around with those puppy dog eyes, but nothing in the course of twelve books indicated to me that this was how it was going to go down at the end. Nor did I believe the only way to get to that ending was via character assassination. Pass me some more bourbon and tissues. RIP Sam. We had a great few years.
  • When you realise halfway through the book that your desired HEA has been trampled into the dirt and you have been kicked in the guts, do the following, in order: Use your box of tissues, eat your dark chocolate, and start guzzling the Bailey's directly from the bottle.

    Let's give up all pretense of staying even remotely coherent. It's never going to happen. You realise that the last few books were simply fillers that had little bearing on the final installment. And in that case, the HEA you wanted doesn't make any sense and you should have seen the real HEA all along. And this perfectly illustrates why this book makes no freakin' sense, because you would have thought there would have been some kind of hint of a love triangle over the course of a few books. Sorry, if I missed that memo. Yum, that Bailey's tastes delicious.


  • For those who made it to the end of the book: Congratulations. You deserve a medal. It is a pity you are now unable to move due to an alcohol stupor. Now finish the bottle of Bailey's. For those who didn't finish the book or pick it up, I commend your wisdom. You won't have a hangover―physical, mental, or emotional.

Mopping Up

As you lie in a drunken stupor on the floor hugging the toilet bowl, with your BFF holding your hair away from your face, consider the years you have invested in the series. Massage your sore tummy and pretend you can erase Dead Ever After from your brain as your heart breaks. Once you recover from your hangover, please consider burning your books. Paper makes a good starter fuel for winter fires. Alternatively, return all books to the publisher and start searching the Internet for fan fiction that brings your years of dedication to a meaningful conclusion.

Please note that I have restrained my commentary and not gone into much depth. My fellow Wenches want their turns, and will have more to say on this subject in the coming days. To Sookieverseblog, thank you for introducing me to these wonderful women and others in the fandom. I thought we would be celebrating our ship together now, not watching it explode into a million pieces and sink into the darkest depths. 

My dreams of a satisfactory conclusion to the series were not to be. The most unrecognisable person in this whole farce was Sookie Stackhouse herself. She was a fragment of the Sookie I had grown to love. And that, my friends, is the biggest tragedy of all.

This Wench rated it:



So let me know below... what events made you want to grab the bottle or find your nearest supplier of brain bleach? If you're still having trouble sleeping, a hypnotist might be advised to eradicate events from your mind.

All gifs from www.tumblr.com



Comments

  1. Replies
    1. Hahaha you're welcome Zee. Alcohol was necessary.

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  2. Awesome, as always! Thanks wenches! ~Kitsune~

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    Replies
    1. Your welcome Kitsune. I thought it ideal to have some fun with it given the last couple of weeks.

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  3. Definitely the best review of all time.

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  4. Great review Angela!
    This book had me feeling sick from beginning up to the 30% on my kindle where I couldn't take it anymore and quit. With. A. Fuck. This. Shit. Ugh!
    I'm glad I quit so now I can find a decent fan fiction for my closure.
    Sadly it's come down to that. But here we are.
    DeAnna Schultz

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    Replies
    1. Hi Deanna, I would love a great fanfiction, and I gave up reading them a while ago as I didn't think they lived up to the books. How wrong was I.

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  5. If only you were close enough for an in-person drinking game, Angela!

    I've disassociated myself from this book and series, and I feel much better. I am getting quite upset with the way fans are being portrayed by the media and on certain websites, though. People should be able to post their negative reviews without being called psycho, threatening, mean, nasty or some of the other words I've read. I haven't seen any of these alleged threats, and I have to wonder if CH is throwing her unhappy fans under bus to drum up sympathy for herself.

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    1. ^^That!!^^ I have seen some personally insults directed at her, but the majority of negative commentary has been sincere emotional reaction to what many perceived as a poorly written book. We are allowed to (respectfully) say that we don't like it, and exactly why. And if she seemed the least bit interested in understanding why millions of fans are pissed off, whether she agreed with them or not, there might be hope for future books. But no. So I won't be reading her other books. Like you so perfectly stated somewhere else around here, Donna: I won't be picking up what she's putting down.

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    2. I would love to be closer Donna. I have seen some personal insults as well and I think they are uncalled for. Ditto Kathi, the majority of negative comments have been about the book, not about her personally. We are being portrayed negatively that is true, but you have to take a good, hard look at a book when the majority of your readers of this particular series are not happy. I've never know the Wenches themselves to be so united over a book before. Normally our love of a book ranges, but not so we are all on the same page. I won't be reading anything again by CH and she's lost someone who has read all her books in me.

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  6. I am so sorry you had to suffer through this travesty, Ange, but I see you found a creative way to handle it. After following the anguished online commentary in real time while y'all read, I know better than to inflict this upon myself. I want to remember Sookie and Eric the way they were. Back when every indication was that they loved each other deeply, complemented each other's strengths and weaknesses, and "got" each other. When Sookie was growing stronger and more confident in using her unique abilities to assist the various supe groups, perhaps soon to truly comprehend that she was every bit the beautiful, powerful woman Eric told her she was. Before CH pulled that "it was all a dream" scam and claimed Eric never meant anything he had said in all those books. I thought that was a lame trick after a single season of Dallas (80s tv show), but after 12 books…WTF???

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    1. I wish I had joined you Kathi, but I needed to read it. I had to know how CH had it all planned out and really I wish she hadn't extended her contract and ended the series at 9 or 10 books.

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  7. Thank you for a 'review' that at least makes us smile...

    It is good to take a drinking approach to such disappointment... Although the last book/s had made me weary since the characters became more and more unrecognisable, I was still hoping for an epic HEA... I was going to wait for actual reviews before buying Dead Ever After but thanks to the spoilers the wait was cut short and now I just have to figure out how many of the previous book I should give to charity (angling to all, generous me!)...

    For those who read fan fiction, there is enough of it out there (inc. a growing number of post-DEA stories) that is not just better story-wise but the writing itself can sometimes be superior, in my opinion esp compared to the writing on these last few books

    I wonder if True Blood following may suffer from this since Season 6 is to premiere in just a few weeks....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jane. It will be interesting to see re TB. I wonder if it will thought as True Blood is really it's own entity now and has diverged a lot from the books.

      I'll be hunting down fan fiction soon as I really need an alternative ending. I actually don't mind that Sookie ended with Sam, if it made sense over the course of the series and even if fan fiction ended the same, but Eric was in a better place I would live with that.

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  8. Loved your review Angela! A-fucking-mazing! I'm tired of fighting, of ranting, or trying to find some sense in all this clusterfuck. I failed.

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    Replies
    1. Hugs Olga and thank you. Same here. I'm entering into the resigned phase.

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  9. Replies
    1. Thanks Beta. Alcohol and DEA consumption go together.

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  10. :```(
    We still have the memories of a Sookie that was strong & had actual emotions.

    (Love the "fucking Sookie" gif w/ Magento thrown in there, btw :D)

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    Replies
    1. Ah yes Maggie, memories and each other :)
      *hugs*

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    2. Maggie the gif is awesome. Yes we have our memories and we'll get through this together.

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  11. Freaking loved your review!! OMG.I don't think there is enough brain bleach in the world to get rid of all the times I needed it for the book but the part where Sookie actually wanted to have revenge sex with her rapist put me over the edge. Bad enough she kissed him! WTH..The character assassination of Eric was a big ole FU as well. thanks again for putting into words and great gifs just how I felt!!

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    1. You are welcome beadrbop. Humour was the only way to make it through in the end. Completely agree re Bill. I don't get it at all. I so wish CH had her original wish and killed him off. True Blood definitely was the beginning of the end for the series sadly. Sometimes I think don't get me started on Eric. I just cannot believe what happened with his character or Pam's. It still makes me want to spit tacks.

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  12. Hahahaha that was the best review ever Angela :D I wish I had thought of this survival kit before I dove in :P

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    Replies
    1. p.s. it's me Freyja ;)

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    2. Waves at Freyja. I'll pack you one next time I know a book is going to be a disaster.;-). Thank Freyja. Luckily I love wine.

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  13. Fabulous review! Far more entertaining than that wretched book. I loathe the way CH destroyed Eric and Sookie. I hate what she did to Eric, and I wonder why she made Sookie so unlikeable. If I'd known that the sum total of Sookie's learning from all her experiences over the previous 12 books would be zero, if I'd known she was going to end up as bigoted and boring as she did, I would never have started to read the books. But I have made a lot of friends and I do have a nifty set of firelighters! :D

    Millarca, who can't trigger her WordPress account for some reason

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    Replies
    1. Hi Millarca, I couldn't have summed it up better. Sookie ended up no better off than she had been in the past and it is sad, that ended up being no growth after all. Eric. I can't believe it. Relegated to the side in a storyline that made on sense. What was the point of even having the Queen in the story. Fizzled.

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  14. Absolutely wonderful review. Great job. I've heard others ask why did Copley need to sell his soul to get a wish to get a wish. DUH. Too many stupid stories, boring details, no humor. And OOC characters. (Plus no book has enough Eric.)

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    1. Too true Northwoman. We needed the Viking!!!!! His whole story arc just had me shaking my head. The Copley part in the story was completely pointless.

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  15. I loved this so much, Angela! So creative and funny!

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    1. Thanks Amanda. I need to have more great ideas in the middle of the night ;-). Humour is now the best way to deal with it I think. I had a week of ranting after all. Baileys makes all things better.

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  16. Jennifer ChloeJaneMay 14, 2013 at 4:08 PM

    YES, everything you said!
    That was fantastic!
    Unfortunately I read the whole book while skimming the last half once I realized my fears were coming true and my box o' wine wasn't helping :(

    Maybe one day I can forget the last couple books and remember fondly the ones I loved more than any other, but that day isn't coming anytime soon. BUT I also am happy that these once wonderful characters, and Sookieverse, brought us all together. And for that She gets a temporary hall-pass.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I understand what you are saying on the books. I've loved them as well, but it's hard to face them at present.

      The wine really only dimmed the heart break while reading. Ditto Sookieverse brought has together and I have had a lot of fun in the last four years through this world.

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  17. Hehe this review made me laugh, great idea to make a drinking game out of it :)

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    Replies
    1. Haha thank you. Glad I made you laugh, as they say laughter is the best medicine ;-)

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  18. Omg! Best review ever!! I love it, I love your gifs. What a shitty book. Thank you for sharing such an awesome review.

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    1. Chuieyes here, from fanfiction. :D

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    2. Hi Chuieyes. You are so welcome. The only way to make any review for this crap book was to have some fun with it, otherwise I could have ranted for hours ;-).

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