When It Isn't Like It Should Be

When Did Erotica Become Unsexy?

Saucy Readers, this is a rant. If you’re having a good day and don’t want to ruin your mood, maybe you should stop here. If you enjoy the recent trends in romances and erotica — regardless of the barely-there plot — you might not want to read this either. You’ve been warned!

I’m one of those women who enjoys reading romances every once in a while. After every intense series, chilling mystery, and hair-raising horror story, I like taking a break with a romance. For the past few years, I’ve found that erotica is a fun break in between book series, even when the series themselves are full of romance and sex. It just helps knowing that at the end of around 2-3 hundred pages there will be a happily ever after.

I won’t lie — the sexual tension, chemistry, and the sex in these books is a major reason I enjoy them. I like the whole “girl meets boy, boy tries to get girl, girl holds off, sparks fly, they clash, they melt, they surrender” formula. Yes, it’s predictable. It will not quench your thirst for an epic story. And for those of us who relish the slow burn, it won’t satisfy that desire. But sometimes you just need to take a break, you know. And for me, that sometimes means erotica.

Lately, it has been tough finding romances/erotica that keep me engaged for even a few chapters. I guess it was easier reading romances when I was younger, but as I grow older I realize that I just don’t “get” a lot of the clichés used in these books.

I can live with predictability. I know they will meet, have instantaneous reactions to each other, and eventually decide to get together. Then “the problem” will begin to tear them apart, some misunderstanding will occur, they will seemingly end things between them but then realize they can’t get over each other, and then somehow everything will work out (usually with the help of some amazing friends), and all will be right with the world. The end.

But I keep running across things that are increasingly difficult to ignore, or even not worth suffering through, just to get my smut fix. I’m actually apprehensive of most erotica I come across now, because I’m beginning to expect those horrific clichés that make it all so distasteful to me. Let me run you through just a few of them.

Why, oh why, does the girl almost always have to be a virgin? I just do not understand that. What is so special about virginity? If the authors were writing about girls in their late teens or even early 20s, I’d get it. But you have books where the girl has been “waiting for the one” until well in her 30s, and it just makes me wonder... why?

I especially don’t get it in the erotica genre. These books are supposed to be about great sex between two sexual beings, so why is she a virgin? Why can’t she be just a regular girl, who enjoyed sex like every other woman her age, and met this guy, and had explosive chemistry with him, which led to epic sex? Why does it have to be this whole “oh I’m a virgin” and “he’s oh so experienced” and he teaches her everything there is to know about sex? The man is always this sexual beast who is amazing at sex, through years of practice (even if he’s only 21), and gets incredibly (weirdly) turned on by her virginity, and thinks it makes her more special than other girls. Look, I agree, taking someone’s virginity is special. But what is the deal with it ALWAYS being the case? Why is the guy never a virgin? Or NOT a sex connoisseur? Why does he awaken something no man has ever been able to in the blushing, innocent heroine with his magical fingers and (clearly) equally magical penis?

It’s acceptable (I guess) in historical settings, or even in some parts of the modern world, but contemporary romance/erotica has way more virgins than not, and I have to wonder why. Where are all these unbelievably gorgeous, smoking hot, yet painfully innocent and “pure” virgins that are inspiring these authors? Is there an island?

Another thing that always bugs me is the whole “she never had an orgasm before” or “she never responded to anyone this way” stuff that happens when she ISN’T a virgin. (Don’t worry, she has still barely been out there; someone just happened to pop her cherry before the hero came along.) I mean seriously, is it not possible for her to have been happy, healthy, had orgasms in the past, and still be insanely attracted to the hero and have dynamite sex?

She goes from being a virgin who had never been touched “down there” (don’t get me started), even by herself, to having multiple orgasms on her first go. Clearly, years of practice with every woman who crossed his path gave him super powers (and not STDs, shockingly). I’m not going to even get into the deflowering scenes themselves.... I don’t think I can put into words how ridiculous some of them are. And there are so...so...many deflowering scenes.

It’s bad enough when she knows nothing about her body — even though she’s an adult. But those scenes where she first gets a glance of his manhood of pornographic proportions make me wonder if I should laugh or cry. I mean... it’s a penis. Where on earth has she been living if that is the first penis she has ever seen? Has she never watched TV, picked up a magazine? Surfed the web? Does she not go to movies or watch even one of many modern cable television channels, like HBO and Starz? Once again I ask, where are these women?

No you nitwit (the heroine, not the adorable minion), it’s a penis.

So she acquaints herself with the hero’s body and ALWAYS, if not aloud then silently, wonders if he will fit inside her. Once again... if it occurred back in the day when girls were told diddly squat about sex, their bodies, or men’s bodies, it would be more realistic. Contemporary books that portray the heroine staring wide eyed at the hero’s penis wondering whether he’ll fit are ridiculous.

And then that moment occurs, when the hero finally gives in and proceeds to ravish the heroine. He penetrates... and freezes. Realizing she’s a virgin (because the dumbass didn’t tell him, for no intelligent reason). I HATE that it makes him look at her in a different light because he suddenly respects her more. As if FINALLY she is worthy of his time. WHAT.THE.BLOODY.HELL? What concept are these authors trying to perpetuate? Why do more women not fling these books into the trash?

Oh! And one of my favorites... He penetrates her that first time, in the heat of the moment, because he JUST CANNOT resist her any longer. And he is IN her. Then he stops to ask, “Are you on birth control?” I am going to try and remain calm now. *deep breathing* They usually end up having sex anyway. The guy often busts out a condom for round 2, which I find hilarious. Or sometimes, and I love this, they both have secret yearnings for the gift of life. I kid you not. The heroine does not freak the fuck out, and does not wonder why on earth the man-slut doesn’t carry protection around with him everywhere he goes. As far as I’m concerned, people who are that irresponsible shouldn’t be allowed to procreate. But that’s just me. Authors, please remember:

It really, really is.

So they didn’t use protection. And a few weeks later, the too-dumb-to-breathe-on-her-own heroine is nauseous and puking and/or craving weird foods and/or has tender breasts/nipples. Let’s not even mention how these women never realize they’re “late” until the all-knowing heroes tell/ask them. And then, turns out, they ALL had irregular cycles to start with so they didn’t notice. How fucking convenient for this ridiculously overused and stupid plot twist. 

Moving on to other things too stupid to think about for too long with out popping an artery....

Have you noticed how, when the hero and heroine are separated by some horrible circumstance for years, the hero tends to screw everything that moves, yet the heroine chooses celibacy? Basically, she returns to the man-whore as pure as the day she left. Yet he has issues if another man has so much as looked at her during their time apart, when he was dipping his junk in anything with a vagina. WHY do authors stick to these outdated clichés?

Now don’t get me wrong. There are times when these books do manage to be entertaining, even with the clichés. Usually because the heroine is extremely likable, the hero is likable and insanely hot, or there is just something about their story you connect with. Not to mention the sizzling hot sex scenes that make some books worth the read all by themselves! But for the most part, I find myself increasingly frustrated with the stories I’m running across.

The overbearing, bordering-on-stalker-ish hero is another cliché I see a lot. It just does NOT float my boat. If a man (who barely knows you) feels the need to track everything you do or know where you are 24/7, don’t walk out... RUN. This is NOT a Dominant/Submissive thing. This is scary and not sexy at all. I’m not even going to discuss the domestic/psychological abuse aspects. And yet I notice hundreds of these books on the Amazon and Goodreads sites, where women are recommending them left and right, and swooning over assholes who have issues with women who behave as if they had lives before meeting them or women who have male (or, sometimes, any) friends!

I absolutely loathe the old, familiar tune that once the heroine meets the hero, he becomes the center of her entire fucking universe. THIS is one reason I adore a lot of our favorite UF/PNR female authors so much: The hero is just a support system for the heroine a lot of the time. If anything, he helps her become a stronger HER by letting her be herself. He doesn’t diminish her awesomeness in any way. SHE is the epic one, the kick-ass one. She just happens to find someone worthy of her attention. Which is why it bugs me so much that a lot of these awesome books are often found in the Romance section of a bookstore... but that’s a rant for another day.

If a dude wants you to spend every second of every day around him, or keeps tabs on where you’re going and with whom, I’d be worried. If he’s that needy, he’s looking for a mom, not a girlfriend. Realistically speaking, two happy people in a relationship CAN have lives and friends outside of each other. I kid you not. Jealousy is NOT attractive when it leads to creepy anger that scares you (and the heroine, if she has half a brain). Sure, a little possessiveness is acceptable, but unless you’re screwing another man, he shouldn’t be threatening violence to other men, and especially not to your close friends who just happen to have penises. NOT.SEXY. Most of these stories portray a heroine who IS scared of the hero’s anger, and who often thinks of how angrily he’d react if he saw her/heard her doing something in particular. Once again, NOT SEXY. And yet, she seems to think it is.

Yeah, NOT normal.

I am allll for some Domination in the bedroom. Hell, I have enjoyed the occasional BDSM erotica. While I’ve realized it really isn’t my kink, there are some books that have made me wonder whether I’m perhaps more open to it than I like to believe. But OH MY GOD, the amount of BDSM erotica out there is getting ridiculous. Most of it is trash (in fact, some of the most popular ones, IMHO). It’s generally used as an excuse for the hero to make the heroine do whatever the hell he wants in the name of a Dom/Sub relationship, and she just goes a long with it because, even though she has never ever in her life had the inclination to submit to anyone sexually, she wants to be a good Sub. The hero just KNOWS she is a Submissive, by the way. His magic Dom radar picked up on it when she walked into the building. And, would you look at that, she is inherently a Sub! How lucky for her that someone showed up to convince her, in one short (usually extremely weird) session. I feel bad for people who actually are into the BDSM lifestyle, because they come across in some of these books as fucked-up psychos with mommy-and-daddy issues who turn to pain for something other than pleasure. There are exceptions in the genre, but not many. I’m wondering where all the regular, non-specialty, kink erotica has disappeared to. (Feel free to leave me recommendations in the comments!)

I’ve run out of things to rant about (for now!), though I’m sure there are many more. But the point of all this was that someone needs to tell these authors they are not doing us any favors by writing these outdated and clichéd story lines. I shudder to think that younger females might read these books and infer that this is how they should weigh their worth, and judge their relationships. Brings to mind those girls who say shit on Twitter like “I’d let Chris Brown beat me” (even typing that makes my brain hurt). You have to wonder if, just maybe, they’ve been reading one too many books where the woman puts up with everything the man does because “he loves her” and makes her feel like no other man has, or because she lost her virginity to an asshole and thinks that means something more than it really does and that she should just let him treat her as he pleases.

You heard me, Chris Brown has young fangirls
who are okay with him abusing them.

I would like to mention that there IS good erotica out there. Not ALL of it is full of clichés. These were just a few of the things I’ve noticed in recent erotica that have diminished my enjoyment of the genre. I haven’t named authors or titles, good or bad. I don’t want to offend anyone, and honestly, I just wanted to rant a little. I’m tired of people recommending books that are so bad I almost wish I didn’t know how to read so I had never come across them. Thank God for the Wenches and their recommendations, though! I think from now on, I’ll stick with erotica my fellow Wenches tell me to read.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against virgins, man-whores, or people who read and write romances/erotica. I just don’t want to read (over and over again, in a million different books) about cherry popping, unplanned pregnancies because of irresponsibility, and promiscuity that is somehow cured by taking a naive woman’s virginity.

*all gifs from tumblr